


Goose Saves the Day

by Idiot of the Eastern Hills (Hildebrand_von_Pranin)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 19:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildebrand_von_Pranin/pseuds/Idiot%20of%20the%20Eastern%20Hills
Summary: The tear-jerking final scene of Azure Moon is interrupted by a familiar goose's timely intervention.(The goose is just here because she was promised food and a bell and has to do her good deed for the day.)Absolute crack. Not even remotely serious.





	Goose Saves the Day

**Author's Note:**

> I got my inspiration from this image: https://i.redd.it/c8ze227j74q31.jpg

The battle of Enbarr.

The Hegemon is defeated. Dimitri and Byleth prepare for what must come next.

But as Edelgard slumps to the ground, a goose emerges unnoticed from a time rift.

The goose looks at the ethereal list in front of her. A new task appears:

  * <strike>Travel through the time rift</strike>
  * **Force Blue Guy and Red Gal to reconcile:** steal the dagger, get Green Gal to steal Blue Guy’s lance while Blue Guy and Red Gal are distracted, get rid of the dagger, knock both on their bottoms, create brouhaha
  * Travel back through the time rift

The goose nods and dismisses the list.

Dimitri offers his hand to the defeated Emperor; Edelgard, on the other hand, cocks the dagger Dimitri gave her at his shoulder. As she is about to throw it, a white blur makes away with the dagger.

Shock shakes Dimitri and Edelgard from their dramatic, Hamlet-esque thoughts.

They look in the direction of the blur: lo and behold, it’s a common-or-garden goose. The goose looks at them and honks as if to say, “Come and get it!” Dimitri and Edelgard run after the goose, cursing under their breaths.

Meanwhile, Byleth, who has been agonizing over how to save Edelgard (she already managed to keep everyone else alive somehow), takes this opportunity and slowly takes Areadbhar away while the goose has them distracted. She then hands Areadbhar over to a waiting Felix, who takes it and runs.

The goose leads Dimitri and Edelgard on a merry chase through Castle Enbarr. Honking and flapping her wings, she runs up the stairs to the highest tower in the palace and flies out a window; then she drops the dagger into the ocean where it can’t be found. Dimitri and Edelgard can be seen impotently shaking their fists.

Then the goose drops from view. Dimitri and Edelgard look around – “Where did that bird go?” – then, after four minutes of searching, they turn around, only for the goose to flap up from behind and start honking at them. The shock of this knocks both the Boar and the Hegemon on their bottoms. While they are confused, the goose drops a message, slams the door shut behind them, and heads down to the courtyard where the troops are.

Dimitri and Edelgard open the message:

“Dear Blue Guy and Red Gal,

Please don’t leave the room until after you’ve sorted out your differences.

Sincerely,

The Goose”

They shrug and start talking.

After flapping her wings in Dorothea and Sylvain’s faces and running up behind Bernadetta and frightening her out of her wits by honking for half a minute, the goose returns to the throne room.

By now, everyone is running in every direction and no-one knows what the hell is going on – except for Byleth, who arranged all this.

She reaches out, pats the goose on the head, and shakes her wing.

“Good job. I see hiring you was a good idea. Now here’s your reward…”

She hands a package filled with goose food to him, which she happily accepts.

Then she takes a small bell from the Monastery and hangs it around her neck.

“Thank you for your help. I'll take it from here.”

The time rift re-opens behind the goose; she nods, flaps a wing in a sloppy kind of salute, and heads back home.

At home, the goose drops the bell into her pit and summons the ethereal list.

  * <strike>Travel through the time rift</strike>
  * **<strike>Force Blue Guy and Red Gal to reconcile:</strike>**<strike> steal the dagger, get Green Gal to steal Blue Guy’s lance while Blue Guy and Red Gal are distracted, get rid of the dagger, knock both on their bottoms, create brouhaha</strike>
  * <strike>Travel back through the time rift</strike>

The goose honks and flaps her wings. Another job well done.

In Enbarr, Byleth peeks through a hole in the door. After half an hour, Dimitri and Edelgard are holding each other and crying.

After forty-five minutes, they are kissing fiercely.

After an hour, they are [REDACTED]. Byleth smirks and heads down to the throne room to restore order.

After three hours, they kick down the door and come down to the courtyard to announce their betrothal.

It all works out in the end. Dimitri and Edelgard manage to get revenge on Agartha for what they’ve done; Shambhala is ruined and the tomb of Nemesis vaporized. Rhea, on the other hand, is sentenced to community service for the next five-thousand years. (Byleth wants to tell Rhea that if she screws up again, she will be killed, court-martialed, and sent to the Almyra border - in that order - but Edelgard convinces her not to do it.)

When everything settles down, a week after Dimitri and Edelgard marry, Edelgard commissions Ignatz to make a painting of the goose that saved her and brought her and Dimitri back together.

To this day, it hangs from the gates of Enbarr; a copy hangs from the gates of Fhirdiad.

Edelgard and Dimitri, with everyone else, live happily ever after.

The goose, on the other hand, goes to another village to wreak some more havoc, having done enough good deeds to last her a decade.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> My own contribution to the Dimigard fandom.  
I hope it isn't too bad.
> 
> Edit, Oct. 4: "Goose" properly refers to the female of the species, so I have harmonized the pronouns accordingly.  
In retrospect I should probably have used "it", but I am too busy to bother editing it further.


End file.
